Thursday, December 1, 2016
Build That Theme Park!
It's time to Re-Activate the Heart of the City...
We need to Make Redondo Great Again. We're hurting folks, and while some talk of a Future-Pier-Super-Mall, I say why stop there?!
Together we will open up a World-Class State-of-the-Art Theme Park on the Redondo Pier. People are going to come from all over. People are going to have so much fun. We'll have huge attractions. The best attractions. Attractions like the Rent-Coaster 9000. Just like Redondo's Big Dipper of a hundred years ago, this gravity-defying roller-coaster will leave riders in absolute shell shock. The loops, the twists, the turns; all simulate having to scurry, scrimp, and scrounge for rent. Monthly mandatory ridership is required of all residents. Just like our launch platform, the rents in Redondo are going to reach dizzying heights, especially if something as a hideous as a mall gets built on the Redondo Pier. You people will be so sick of having fun. Seriously. Sick of it.
Next to the roller-coaster we have the Big Splash! Based on the mildly successful Mall Proposal, this Experience Machine lifts guests 200 feet in the air and then plunges them into the icy cold waters of the Redondo Harbor, holding them there for up to half a minute before bringing guests to the surface sopping wet. Stop by the Soaked Suckers Photo Booth to pick up your very own souvenir picture of the whole humiliating experience.
We got other great attractions too! Look! What's that steamboat out on the water near the rocks? Why, it's the Public-Private Partnership! Little kids can gather around the floor of this glass bottom boat to catch a glimpse of the odd cuttlefish, crab, or flounder.
Speaking of bottom-feeders; avast ye matey, it's the Lawyers of the Riviera. This Cut-Throat Swashbuckling Pirate Adventure will draw gasps from around town and around the world! You've been served Redondo!
Redondo's New Theme Park is going to be the first in the world to offer Whale Ride Adventures! Saddle up, strap in, and hold on with our certified whale riding instructor Geoff White. Certified by whom you ask? Answer: No one! We're the first in the world to even imagine such hubris! And if the marine mammals should ever act up their oil will be extracted and they shall be eaten by their own light just like our Theme Park's Opponents!!!!!!!!
Of course, some other parts of Redondo will have to be transformed to bring it into alignment with the THEME PARK. For instance, City Hall will be given a spooky mansion look and renamed 'The House of Haunted Decisions'.
Also, most of North Redondo will have to be bulldozed to make way for a parking lot.
Appoint a Special Prosecutor to look into who caused the Great Redondo Beach Pier Fire of '88. Legend has it, the Horseshoe Pier had a broken water main. At the request of Old Tony's the Pier was allowed to remain open over the weekend, despite this fact. Then on May 27th 1988 a short circuit started a fire. When the Fire Department went to hook up a hose they were met with the water pressure of a squirt gun. The Pier burnt down. Pat Aust was the Fire Chief. Now, Former Councilman Aust wants to build a mall on the Pier. Hmmm...
Why did Redondo residents wake up to a million fish clogging the Marina on March 8th 2011? It is said the school of sardines swam radically off course and into the oxygen- derived waters of the Redondo Harbor. What were they being chasing by? We might have a firebug and a shark on our hands here.
Additionally, If time, I'm going to look into the pathetically sad whitewashing of the 9-11 Commission Report, the JFK assassination, and who threw the Haymarket bomb.
Now you might ask, how could we ever pretend to have the intrepidity, the audacity, the unmitigated gall to ever even dream of pulling off such a bold stunt? A Rollercoaster, a Carousel, Zip-Lines, Whale-Rides! Fun! Adventure! A Grand Theater of the Absurd! Heart-Pounding Excitement and Non-Stop Thrills on what is now the dinky little quiet sleepy Future-Mall.... Not no more! Want to know how to get Gloriously Wholesome Park built? That's easy folks; the sky is falling, that's what we sell them like an insurance policy. The sky is falling. The Parking Garage is Falling Apart and Chucks of Loose Concrete are Raining Down and Threatening to Crush Us All. Real Henny-Penny crap.
A MORE ROUND REDONDO:
For the last two elections I have championed the return of the Red Cars. But, evidently, since I lost, I reckon the Red Car idea wasn't ambitious enough for such a forward-looking City as Redondo. That's why I propose building a MONORAIL which will run from Riviera Village to the Pier and back; therefore connecting all parts of Redondo.
I understand that changing the name of Artesia Blvd. to Redondo Beach Blvd. is a VERY BIG ISSUE, but why stop there? Why not build a wall between us and the Draconian Surveillance State that is Hermosa Beach? Redondo is the last domino to fall. This is our last chance, folks. Hermosa has very likely been taken over by ISIS and is soon to officially declare itself an Islamic Republic. We need to be prepared.
Public Safety is still a top priority in my Administration, that's why I am introducing a plan to issue demerits to any resident of Redondo who does anything unsafe. After three demerits the individual is to be encased in a giant Hamster Ball for the remainder of their short sweaty lives. Furthermore, we are looking into removing all sharp edges in the City. At last, a truly round Redondo.
Borrowing a page from Jello Biafra's playbook; all City Officials will be required to wear clown costumes while on the job.
Let it be known that I am donating my salary as Mayor to the kids. It's a rock band me and some friends are starting and you're all invited, except for Pat Aust. He's not invited.
Lastly, what Abusement Park would be complete without a Dunk Tank! Step right up to Bruce's Drench Zone, where you and your kids can fling bean bags in an attempt to dunk disgraced Former City Manager Bill Workman or other members of Redondo's largely Criminal City Council. Lock 'em up, we say.
Vote yes on Redexit!
Time to Drain the Lagoon! Metaphorically, of course... And physically!
Vote Coleman March 7th 2017
My background? Well it's a couple people sitting in chairs at the moment...
Get Yours Today!
Monday, November 28, 2016
We've got some bad Huevos in Redondo and it's time to Drain the Lagoon.
Special Thanks to Oh (Oscar) Shengjun for the Video. We have the best students at Poly! Truly terrific students.
I am asking all my beautiful supporters to write silly letters about how serious our campaign is to turn Redondo into a World Class Abusement Park. Send letters care of the failing Beach Reporter and flood their facebook comments page.
Who is this Mowatt character?
A real human enigma, it seems.
I am a member of the Mowatt for Mayor of Redondo circuit, and let me tell you, our rallies are always enlightening. The crowds we draw are electric and never fail to thunder when Mowatt mentions the current polls have him surging to the lead. Easy Reader please shine a light on this bright guy, he is a real live wire. Mowatt has the spark, he is the jump start this electorate has been waiting for!
Ignatius J. Reilly
Received this letter today from a concerned supporter:
Hey Candidate Eric,
I have been doing some research on the current campaign and have uncovered some troubling information. It seems that while your competitors claim to be non-sexist and gender-neutral, they all harbor deeply seated sex and gender biases. For example, each of them typically refer to restrooms as the "men's" and "women's" rooms, rather than the proper designation of "restroom facilities typically used by (males or females)." This lack of strict adherence to codes of political correctness points to major character flaws in your opponents. I believe that this discovery also uncovers a strategic opportunity for you to take the lead on this issue - by making a public announcement that as a display of personal sensitivity to the importance of gender neutrality, you will be eliminating the male suffix contained in your current family name, and re-introducing yourself as Eric "Cole-person." I would advise that you please consider doing this immediately.
Redondo or Redonda Beach
And a Funny Facebook Exchange...
The Coleman Campaign is now accepting suggestions on what to call the Abusement... Or Amusement Park, rather, that is set to consume Redondo and every hapless chap in it. Winner gets a caricature!
Thursday, September 29, 2016
JJ Weldon is our top pick for City Manager. JJ has a very impressive resume. Besides being a preacher, JJ has managed a town in Guyana, and received zero complaints from the residents.
Going by the stage name of Quick Cow Si, our cabinet pick for Ministry of Edibles has already been confirmed by the Grand Council of Andromeda. The galactic space authority, not the town west of Albuquerque. Last time I checked he was a hobo millionaire. Si will help make Our Administration so transparent that it is invisible.
Boom! Up next we got Dave McGrathers for Secretary of Transportation. Bold initiatives are what this man is all about! Traffic jam? No problem. We're tearing up the streets and laying down sod! Don't have a bike? Tough cookies! Time to slip on some slippers. Dummies!
Who could forget Jamie Quinones and Michael Tannenberg for the Department of Disaster Preparedness. A wanted slipper thief, Quinones has a ton of experience with disasters. Like that one time when Dave pushed him through a plate-glass window. When no disasters are on the horizon Quinones and Tannenberg will be given snow shovels and posted outside Redondo City Hall in case a snow storm pounds our fair hamlet. For this job they will be paid $135,000 a year. Oddly enough, this is roughly half the amount Bill Workman was paid for doing even less work.
Next we have Dale Maximus, a truly enigmatic figure, for the newly created position of Pier Czar and Head of Security. This local knows a punk when he sees one and knows how to get the trains moving. Dale being a Billionaire Real Estate Tycoon was a major factor in this decision.
Gavin McGroggy is to be named Head of the Department of Smoking as well as Redondo's Ambassador to Israel. Gavin has always had deep love for the Jewish people. Just ask Scott Trimble. Juggling positions, Gavin is also to be the sole bureaucrat in the Ministry of Information. Why appoint a Babblesmith to Ministry of Information, you ask? That's easy! Because when people are confused, worried, or angry they tend to buy stuff, which is great for our bottom line.
I talk to a lot of people. People like Dexter. I asked Dexter, what is the number one problem facing our City? And you know what he said? Stuff. He doesn't have enough stuff. And see, that's the problem. Politician's promise stuff but then they don't deliver on that promise. So what are we going to do folks? Are we going to stop believing in stuff? No. That's silly. What we need to do is stop believing in Politicians and what they say. Well except for me, believe me and what I save to say. Oh yeah, and yourself, believe in yourself. That's important. You should believe in yourself. And, of course, Dexter. Believe in Dexter. He's a good egg. And that's why he is the new Secretary of Stuff.
We are lucky to have Seamus O'Blivion as Secretary of Fun. I mean, just look at him. Guy's a riot. Seamus will also be in charge of Redondo's Emergency Booze Supply, which is only to broken into when Pat Aust comes around to burn down the pier again. The little firebug inevitably will and when he does we'll all sit back and raise a toast to the fantastic spectacle over the bay.
Far from being just a regular guy, Carlitos, our next Treasurer, is sure to turn Redondo's fortunes around. We are certain his winning streak shall be the rising tide that lifts all boats. Even if Carlitos blows $50,000 on Scratchers, it will still be a much better management of funds than under the Current Administration who spent the same amount on the City's slogan: More to Sea. Stayed up all night but it was worth it, huh? Also, Carlitos would make a great Head of Children's Protective Services because of that one time he saved that kid from bursting into flames when the dummy was standing too close to the fireplace at Charlie's Place.
Jones has been named Game Warden to the New Theme Park; Gloriously Wholesome Park, or Glory Whole, for short. His primary job is keeping the dinosaurs, who live in condos above the Pier, in the Park.
Joe Von Ohio is to be the named the Under-Secretary For Blowing Things Way Out of Proportion. The founder and flounder of JoeFest, this man has had a long history of making mole hills into mountains, like the time someone dropped their keys and he dove under his desk thinking it was a gun shot. Joe is considered an asset, not a liability, or maybe just an ass.
Watch out Jack, our next pick for Secretary of War is Anthony Hermondo. He'll keep the troops in line. This legendary Military figure shall be our point man on the secret plan to burn down the Redondo Chamber of Commerce and blame it on the Communists in Manhattan Beach. Moreover, his photography skills are to serve greatly in our propaganda efforts.
Copperer is one heck of a choice for Secretary of Secretaries. He will be interviewing non-stop until we find quality receptionists to fill all positions, except missionary, that's so vanilla.
Stefan Squirrel is now in charge of Housing and Urban Development. His plan; tear down North Redondo's ramshackle housing (mostly made from cardboard, stucco, duct tape, and those little snap on bits you get from IKEA) and replace them with, you guessed it, geodesic domes. Good luck Stefan and God speed.
We are proud to have Dave Hauler confirmed for Secretary of the interior. Heck, while we're at it, why not Secretary of the Exterior, as well.
Welcome Wayne, our Head Carnival Barker for Gloriously Wholesome's Rent Coaster 9000. Our New Insane-to-the-Max Roller Coaster now includes underwater tubes!
Captain Rick is now Head of Our Theme Park's Pyrotechnics Division. We found one of Pat Aust's journals in the charred remains of the old pier. We have our playbook. Bring S'mores It'll be the biggest thing since Pat Aust's Festival of Light!
Finally we have PETE NORAD to act as DEEP STATE. He pulls the strings.
And he likes to watch.
MORE CABINET PICKS TO COME...