Thursday, December 1, 2016

As Mayor I Will:

Build That Theme Park!

We need to Make Redondo Great Again. We're hurting folks, and while some talk of a Future-Pier-Super-Mall, I say why stop there?! Together we will open up a World-Class State-of-the-Art Theme Park on the Redondo Pier. People are going to come from all over. People are going to have so much fun. We'll have huge attractions. The best attractions. Attractions like the Rent-Coaster 2000. Just like Redondo's Big Dipper of a hundred years ago, this  gravity-defying roller-coaster will leave riders in absolute shell shock. The loops, the twists, the turns; all simulate having to scurry, scrimp, and scrounge for rent.  Monthly mandatory ridership is required of all residents. Just like our attraction's thrills, the rents in Redondo are going to increase dramatically, especially if something as a hideous as a mall gets built on the Redondo Pier. You people will be so sick of having fun. Seriously. Sick of it.

Next to the roller-coaster we have the Big Splash! Based on the mildly successful Mall Proposal, this Experience Machine lifts guests 200 feet in the air and then plunges them into the icy cold waters of the Redondo Harbor, holding them there for up to half a minute before bringing guests to the surface sopping wet. Stop by the Soaked Suckers Photo Booth to pick up your very own souvenir picture of the whole humiliating experience. 

We got other great attractions too! Look! What's that steamboat out on the water near the rocks? Why, it's the Public-Private Partnership! Little kids can gather around the floor of this glass bottom boat to catch a glimpse of the odd cuttlefish, crab, or flounder. 

Speaking of bottom-feeders; avast ye matey, it's the Lawyers of the Riviera. This Cut-Throat Swashbuckling Pirate Adventure will draw gasps from around town and around the world! You've been served Redondo!

Of course, some other parts of Redondo will have to be transformed to bring it into alignment with the THEME PARK. For instance, City Hall will be given a spooky mansion look and renamed 'The House of Haunted Decisions'. Also, most of North Redondo will have to be bulldozed to make way for a parking lot. 


Appoint a Special Prosecutor to look into who caused the Great Redondo Beach Pier Fire of '88. Legend has it, the Horseshoe Pier had a broken water main. At the request of Old Tony's the Pier was allowed to remain open over the weekend, despite this fact. Then on May 27th 1988 a short circuit started a fire. When the Fire Department went to hook up a hose they were met with the water pressure of a squirt gun. The Pier burnt down. Pat Aust was the Fire Chief. Now, Former Councilman Aust wants to build a mall on the Pier. Hmmm...

Why did Redondo residents wake up to a million fish clogging the Marina on March 8th 2011? It is said the school of sardines swam radically off course and into the oxygen- derived waters of the Redondo Harbor. What were they being chasing by? We might have a firebug and a shark on our hands here.

Additionally, If time, I'm going to look into the pathetically sad whitewashing of the 9-11 Commission Report, the JFK assassination, and who threw the Haymarket bomb.


For the last two elections I have championed the return of the Red Cars. But, evidently, since I lost, I reckon the Red Car idea wasn't ambitious enough for such a forward-looking City as Redondo. That's why I propose building a MONORAIL which will run from Riviera Village to the Pier and back; therefore connecting all parts of Redondo.

I understand that changing the name of Artesia Blvd. to Redondo Beach Blvd. is a VERY BIG ISSUE, but why stop there? Why not build a wall between us and the Draconian Surveillance State that is Hermosa Beach? This is our last chance. 

Finally, borrowing a page from Jello Biafra's playbook; all City Officials will be required to wear clown costumes while on the job.  

Vote yes on Redexit!


Time to Drain the Lagoon! Metaphorically, of course... And physically!

Vote Coleman March 7th 2017

My background? Well it's a couple people sitting in chairs at the moment...

Biggest Concert Ever!


Monday, November 28, 2016

Letter to the Editor

Dear Editor of the Easy Reader,

I understand that this may come as a shock to some, but we've crunched the numbers and plugged in the data and Eric Coleman has won the 2017 Redondo Beach Mayoral Race. The most recent polls have him in the lead by 20 points with less than a 3% margin of error. It's a landslide folks. Every conceivable demographic is projected to turn out for Mr. Coleman's victory. This should come as a welcome relief to some others who were planning to run for the seat. All the money and manhours will no longer need to be wasted as Mr. Coleman is the clear winner. We; Coleman's supporters and friends, recommend those who were going to run instead take some time off. Enjoy retirement. Play some golf. Probably for the best. All kinds of messy stuff could have come out. Bad stuff. Stuff like complicity in the ’88 conspiracy to burn down the Redondo Beach Pier. Now is not the time to speak of such misdeeds. Now is the time to heal and Make Redondo Great Again and Build That Theme Park.

Eric Coleman
Mayor Elect, Redondo Beach

Friday, September 23, 2016


FILMED COVERTLY.......  .. . . .  . .... . . . . . .. . .  . . . . .

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Monday, September 19, 2016


TED (or TIM) TALK sandwich board reads:
‘Vance Goodmore and the Psychology of Love’

Below reads:

‘Exciting Times: The Future of Robotics with Professor Yakimoto Kirosaki’

Scores of people fill the audience like anonymous judges in the court of public opinion.

From behind the curtain, Vance makes jabs at the curtain in an attempt to find the opening. Finding the part, he enters.

FREEZE FRAME with caption: VANCE

A few steps later he trips and barely manages to keep his footing.

He pans the audience disheveled, half-shaven, and sweaty. Squinting with bleary eyes he has trouble making out anything more than an audience of blobs.
Vance CLEARS THROAT and blinks some.

                              What… is…

He presses a CLICKER.

SLIDE: ‘Love’ in fancy cursive lettering.

                              … Love?

His initial jitters fade and he regains his composure, becoming the consummate professional.

NEXT SLIDE: People dancing around a bonfire.

                              Around the world people dance, sing, fight, kill and die
for Love… but what is it… really?

NEXT SLIDE: A person about ready to be fed into an MRI

We scanned the brain of patients who told us they
were in love and this is what we found…  

NEXT SLIDE: brain scan with a small area lit up mid-brain.

                              Activity in a tiny little factory near the base of the brain
called the ventral tegmental area. We found activity in some
 cells called the A10 cells. Cells that actually make dopamine.

NEXT SLIDE: Diagram of the chemical structure of dopamine.

A natural stimulant, and the cells spray it to many regions. Indeed,
the A10 region is part of the brain’s reward system. It’s below
the brain’s cognitive functions, the thinking processes, it’s
 below your emotions, it’s part of what we call the reptilian
core of the brain associated with wanting, with motivation,
with focus, and with craving. A region of the brain that will
take huge risks for enormous gains. A big rush.

NEXT SLIDE: map showing the different regions of brain; neo-cortex, limbic, and reptilian. Vance gives a lazy blink and subtly sticks out his tongue with the slide in background.

                              The same kind of rush one receives when being liked on a social
networking platform…

Vance uses his cell phone as a prop and on instinct almost presses the button to check his phone. He slips the phone back into his pocket.

And to a much larger degree the same kind of rush and the
same region of the brain that is activated by doing cocaine.

NEXT SLIDE: Cocaine laid out on a table.

But just like the rush of cocaine, what goes up must come down.

NEXT SLIDE: The word ‘Entropy’, text is dissolved and scattered towards end of word.

Or another way to put it; entropy. Everything moves in one
direction; from order to chaos, from hot to cold, this is
the second rule of thermodynamics, according to the laws
of Phyllis… physics… physics…

Vance takes a long blink and a deep breath. He opens his eyes and glares out on the audience sneering.

                              I’ve studied this perverse, fuzzy feel good concept for most of my
adult life. And I have come to the undeniable conclusion
that love is no different than motorcycle racing, chanting
mantras for many hours in high altitudes, or the adrenaline
rush that comes from jumping off a cliff without a parachute.
Love’s sole purpose is to keep down the infant mortality rate.
A cruel trick of evolutionary biology. Love is biochemically no
different than eating large amounts of chocolate! But I
digest… digress…

Vance lifts the CLICKER and glowers.

NEXT SLIDE: A picture of Vance on graduation day in cap and gown; holding someone who’s been cropped out of the photo.

                              I graduated from Ohio State University the same year the
Big Ear Radio Telescope was dismantled to make way for
a golf course expansion. For decades the Big Ear
had been searching the skies for signs of extraterrestrial

NEXT SLIDE: Giant satellite dishes.

 They thought they found it in 1977. Radio astronomer
Jerry Ehman was combing through observation data,  
looking for evidence that alien civilizations might be trying
to communicate using radio waves, when he saw something
so interesting and so unique that he circled it and wrote
‘WOW’ in the margin.

NEXT SLIDE: picture of the ‘wow’ data print out.

                              It turned out to be nothing… probably nothing… but that
didn’t matter as much, because for that one brief moment
he had found what he was looking for, the possibility that
there was something out there, something that might end
humanity’s isolation. That’s what love is. And sometimes
you send out those messages not expecting to hear back,
like SETI, like the search for Extra Terrestrial
Intelligence. Love is a hoax.

Vance takes out his cell phone, hovers his thumb over it as if to text, then lets it fall to the ground and stomps it into oblivion with the heel of his boot. He loses his footing and falls to the ground. Heaving some, Vance is on the verge of sobbing.

                              But it doesn’t end there. Oh no. Oh God no. You see, a month
after that signal was received the Voyager 1 was launched
into deep space, far away from our Solar System. The Voyager 1
is the furthest man-made object from earth, ever. Aboard NASA
included a gold plated record that contained information about
humanity. They put lots and lots of audio on the disk, but one
song, one song in particular, a song by Blind Willie Johnson,
called ‘Dark was the Night and Cold was on the Ground’ was
chosen to represent to whoever or whatever found it what the
human emotion of loneliness is. Blind Willie Johnson wasn’t blind
his whole life, he was blinded when his step-mother threw lye
in his face and he died of Malarial fever when his home burned
down and he had nowhere else to live but on wet newspaper…
And now his song is out there in interstellar space representing…
that song… that song…  love is… it’s a crocodile… on the…

Unable to contain his welling emotions, Vance loses it and breaks down CRYING. Enter a robot with a tissue extended being controlled remotely by Professor Yakimoto.

 Vance looks up momentarily and, returning face to cupped hands, CRYS even harder.

The TED (or TIM) TALK logo flys across the screen.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Every Friday 8pm @ Caliente Tropics Resort - 411 E. Palm Canyon Drive, Palm Springs, 92264

Go Go Go!!! Prizes Every Week!!!

Based on the wildly successful, long running Chicago Show hosted by Jake Penzell, this Comedy Trivia Extravaganza will challenge your knowledge and test your nerves with our outrageous Physical Challenges. Prizes for the winning teams every Friday. Check your political correctness at the door and prepare to enter the Best Damn Trivia Show in Town! Come see it before the Palm Springs Decency Board shuts us down!!!